not karma, but ? - 9:37 p.m. 11.20.2002
God, I hate saying I'm let down by people. Especially in that general sense. It's horrible. Either I'm expecting too much or I'm with the wrong people. It makes me sound pompous and superior, which I do not like to be. But when five vindictive teenage bitches team up on one poor guy and mock him all night, what am I supposed to think? I mean: Oh my god.
It wasn't me, the guy, but someone else who lives on my floor. I don't know if I've mentioned her, but that girl who unexplicably won't look at or talk to me was one of the culprits. Another was a girl I thought was a good person and a friend. Three others were there too. I mean, the guy's been scorned a little bit all year, and I give my friend some shit when she bags on him. It hasn't been a sudden coming thing. But tonight (I hope), it climaxed. It climaxed with the guy almost getting violent and screaming and locking himself in his room. And me following him in to talk a while. I mean, when people are so arbitrarily cruel, I have to believe; have to that there is some recompense to come later. I don't mean that in some positive way. "I don't wanna be there when you're coming down. I don't want to be there when you hit the ground." I don't, in any way want anything bad to befall anyone, especially those I know. But I have to believe there is some payback for outright bad people. It's not that I want revenge on them. But there has to be some great power ensuring there IS a right and wrong. And it's not all some abstract made up safety device for wimps.
That it's not survival of the fittest when it comes to simple social decency. It's not. Can't be. There's some people who just don't matter (to individual lives, at least). It's how I refer, not to strangers, but to people in your life who don't belong or see fit to only do you wrong. They cease to matter in that you should no longer honor what they do, at least in regards to you. And people have to understand that people-who-don't-matter's opinions don't matter. It's what I tried to explain to the guy tonight. There are some bad people out there. There are people who might talk bad about you. But they don't reflect on you or what you are. "I don't wanna be there when you're coming down. I don't want to be there when you hit the ground." I want to believe that these people aren't around, but I know they are. And I have to believe that, somehow, they are corrected or paid back. Corrected, I hope. But I think, eventually, it has got to fall apart. All that negative stuff.
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