These are diary entries.
back and forth - 10:52 p.m. 12.15.2002
�����You know how sometimes when writting a really good essay, your thesis ends different than when you started? Or how talking an issue out with a friend can give you a new outlook? That's kinda how this diary serves for me. There may be a couple entries here.

1st:
�����Damnit Damnit Damnit!
�����I know it's supposed to take a while to get over breaking up, especially after having been together so long, but damnit!

�����I actually briefly harbored the notion of moving schools to Washington, if that would make it work. No sweat off my back really. I have no special ties to Cal. Alena said no, so no.
�����Now, Alena asks if I'd wanna get back together if she came home in January four days. That's only four days. And still leaves a no response for every later break or chance. I had to say no. She can't keep making plans, and canceling them, and making them again. It's not fair to me. Not fair to dick me around like that. I know it isn't on purpose. And if there were any trustworthy way, I do want to still be with her. I offered the only real way. But these ephemoral flimsy plans are shit. They're no commitment at all. Just stringing me (or us) along.

�����I had some end I wanted to put on this, but I forget it now. Screw it.
�����Everyone one else keeps on saying, "IF it is meant to be, you'll end up together.". Life doesn't just work that way. It takes some effort. Magic and God will not just make it all okay. That fantastical future in everyone's hopes is that: fantasy. That may be harsh; I always say it softer than that. If it doesn't happen now, or you don't pursue it, it doesn't come out okay in the end.

2nd:
�����Maybe Alena just feels differently about this than me? I mean, she's the one who called me about the four days back. So, it WAS an attempt to find a way to make things work. But, when I offer to move to Washington, she declines. She says she'd be too busy to ever see me and I'd get jealous. But, how can she be too busy to see me when I live twenty minutes away? It's impossible. No matter how busy you are, you have time to see someone that close some time. If not daily.
�����It's like either Alena doesn't know what she wants or her priority just lies far more with her work than me. I mean, if I had contacted her about coming for Winter Break, and she gave in for four days, and back to never-again, it would be a pity gesture. A way to break up easy. As it stands, it's not. Alena's just not willing to put into this what I am. That makes her sound like a badguy, in my writing, I guess. But it's true.

�����I'd be perfectly happy with the monthly visits we'd had so far. Taking turns paying the airfare. For some unknown reason, it's suddenly impossible to keep doing this? It makes me wonder if Alena really is trying to just straight break up with me. But, like, she doesn't know if I can "handle it" or some shit. Theory number three, I guess. Like she thinks she's being "easy" on me when breaking up. She isn't. She's making it very extra hard. So, unless she's actually trying to make this work, it sucks. If she's just using it as a weak excuse to break up with me, just break up with me. Otherwise, the monthly visits were and are fine. I don't know why she wants to prolong the ordeal, but doesn't want to make real effort. What made the visits 'til now stop? This makes zero sense to me. I'm not sure, but I may be beginning to doubt the sincerity of the act.
�����That makes it hurt one hundred times more.
---Danny
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