These are diary entries.
fraidy-cat - 2:07 a.m. 05.22.2003
     It's weird.
     Nine months ago, I wanted nothing more to get out of this place. Not to say that I don't want to go home; I totally do. But, I did find people up here to miss; friends I'll wanna see over or after the Summer.

     My grades this semester year sucked kinda an ass, and I'm still not entirely sure why that is. I mean, I do know. It's total lack of effort. I mean, I got A's on all my midterms; I know the topics. I just haven't enjoyed school at all this year. I still think a major part of that is the whole this-isn't-a-place-that-I-chose thing. It's hard to get really into it. I've got a bunch of milder reasons; classes less useful, subjects not memorable; blah blah blah. But, it's all mostly a bunch of shit. As happy as I now am up here, I still just don't see myself getting over the fact that no matter what, I'm not here of my own accord. Even if I find something I totally love up here, I can't see myself loving the place.

     All throughout high school, I got my grades solely for my parents. After I got them, they decided what to do with them. So, now, I'm gunna be a total jackass/coward here and write a couple things that I've said out loud to a couple, but could never say to the people who it matters to. Because anyone who knows me well knows that there's nothing I'm more afraid of than my parents' reactions toward me. And I mean this in no way to bash them, AT ALL. They meant only the best and still do. This is totally MY problem in that I can never bring it up. If I did, it would probably be remedied and done.

     When I got up here, I felt like I was forced to come (and, well, I was forced) just so my parents would have something to brag about. Less for what would make me happy, and more because it's traditionally good and something to tell friends.

     When my parents found out I wasn't happy here, early in the year, they actually did bring up the idea of letting me switch out. This shocked me. And I always bring up stupid reasons why I cannot switch out. The real reason, as a couple people know, is that I think my parents would be totally ashamed of the switch. After all the shit making me come here, and how bad they wanted me to, I get the feeling they would never let me live it down. Switching, that is. It's probably unfounded. But, it's true. I feel like they, having to tell their friends about what I did, and having to tell everyone I went somewhere less, etc etc etc, would never let me live it down. And though they wouldn't show it, they'd be mildly ashamed of it. And though never overtly, they'd lord it over me to get me to do things. And, more importantly over again, that they'd be ashamed from their friends and of me, and never let me live it down. At least in my own head.
     This is all my own problem. It's just what I think, and possible totally unfounded in reality.

     This isn't to say that there's anything lesser about a two year or another school, or anything else. But, in that respect at least, I know my parents do think so. And so, I'm letting them down.
     Better to endure however long of something I don't like than to have to deal with that forever. Not after 18 years of doing what they say, and getting grades solely for them.
     I never cared about the grades. It was always just to avoid their reactions.

     I know all this probably makes me sound either fucked up, or paranoid, or scared of nothing, etc. And, by the same token, it shouldn't reflect on my parents at all.
All the same, I know they'll read this, soon. Which is good. Because I could never express this outloud, for fear of their reactions. (Which, I'm assuming, now, is anger at me for this public display.) I'm the largest wuss ever, and would rather do what they say in the pits of Hell than face them. Good or bad.

     To soften what I've just said though, this year hasn't been all bad. I've found a lot of good people. I've done some decent things out of class. There's been good times aside from it all.
     Oh wait, just now, our balcony window got broken and people are throwing chairs onto the roof of the DC. Nevermind. ;)
I just never see myself getting violently into this place.
---Danny

Prev || Next || Archive
DiaryLand
Song Of The Moment:

Game Of The Moment: