These are diary entries.
drty secret - 10:55 a.m. 09.09.2003
     I know it's one of those times where I'm supposed to write a diary entry, I'm just not really sure what about quite yet.
     I dunno if "broke up" is the right phrasing, but just agreed to "break up" with Jes. We were never officially together, but still.

     So, without analysis, I'm going to try to jot out a short simple fact list of this. Because analysis only hurts people. And ::cough::other-people::cough:: might just say 'ha'.

     For a while, I've known that Jes was seeing other guys while she saw me. Specifically, an old boyfriend. Fine; cool. She's allowed. Also, I knew that I was more-or-less a secret to this ex-boyfriend. And that I didn't really like that fact and that it made me feel a little lesser and a little less cared about. But fine; cool. We aren't dating, so she's allowed, to keep the peace. And it's not like I'm in love or anything. (yet?)

     Hold on. What's that? Ex-boyfriend isn't "ex" at all! That's why I'm a secret! To be fair, she didn't think they were going out still; I think I really was a secret just to keep the peace.
     BUT. Yesterday, she gets home from visiting me. Can't keep that one secret, so the ex-now-current boyfriend gets upset. So, here is the deciding point. Tell the truth, or lie. Aaaaand "Danny's just a friend" and "we never fool around" and I'm sure "he doesnt mean anything to me". And Danny is told about it.

     Breaking point. I can't deal with lying too well. I've had to and it's my least favorite thing in the world. Second or first only to cheating. Which, in all reality, is only a subdivision of lying. Take this in addition to I was the one unknowingly cheating and I'm not very happy.
     Feeling less important (despite I was never "officially" important to begin with). Feeling mildly shitty for the cheating. Unable to continue the relationship. (Here's where you-know-who can say 'told you so'.) Sorry, Jes.

     Worse still, in my eyes, I get as recompense a basic: "if you wanna stay together, ill tell the ex. if you dont, ill keep lying". Which to me says: I just wanna boyfriend/lover/etc. Doesn't matter altogether who. Or if it's an honest relationship. That hurts/sucks too. I know I could be reading it wrong, but it sure as hell demeans whatever the hell we had.

     Soooo, I'm "officially" alone again. I mean, I'm alright. I shoulda seen it coming, as said above. And, hey -- I don't feel all conflicted now -- what to do. And no need to defend myself to friends, right? Or something. Might be reading something wrong, but I don't see how.
     Bad part. I know I'd be happier staying "with" Jes despite it. And I'm really bad at keeping a grudge. So, the split is all on ethical reasons. For-my-values type of shit. Which I think I gotta do for myself.
     Yea yea yea. You told me so. No hard feelings. Now, Shut up. :p
---Danny

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