We went on a trip grouped with a singles group. Fifteen people ages 35-50 looking for mates. Each of them clearly mateless for obvious reasons. Weird, ugly, or man-hating.
     One woman offered us $10,000 to find her a husband. Robert bargained it up to $20,000 if we could do it in the next year and a half. He's serious about it. Badgers the hell out of one guy for it. Ha.
     One woman divorced her husband after doing her own police analysis on her own bedsheets and finding three people's pubic hair. Good job finding it, horrible for looking.

     One guy wore a tight, blue speedo throughout the trip. Eventually nicknamed "Walnut" for obvious reasons. Look-related reasons.
     Walnut was creepy as shit. Every move he made screamed, "Look at me and love me! No one ever does!" In the second morning, when he woke up, he was doing fake Tai Chi to impress people. Just kinda wiggling his arms, then stretching, wiggling his arms, then posing. Spazmatic freeze dance.

     One man got to afraid to paddle his kiyak anymore. (I spelled that awfully.) Juan Carlos.
     Juan Carlos joined our boat after that. Took a paddle and didn't paddle at all. For the two hours he had a paddle, we lost a man overboard and totally beached ourselves on a rock.
     The man didn't paddle at all, but it wasn't even that. The man didn't fake it. Everytime a rapid came, he'd hold his paddle up over his head and scream. "Oh baby baby! Oh baby baby! Oooooh!"
     The man was there to have fun, and no one could stop him. He was downright giddy. At one point, he puts his arm around my dad's and Robert's shoulders. "We are best friends forever now! Fovever!" Robert has a look on his face like don't-touch-me, don't-touch-me. And Robert responds "Yes. We are rafting buddies. On the river." Full-on preemptive don't-ask-for-my-number. Full-on camp response: "Isn't it great we can be friends at camp?"

     I jumped off a 20ft rock; my dad did too. My dad fell out of the boat, I swam a rapid, and I kiyacked several. Um, a lot more, I guess. Just not that worth writing?
     All any of the eight of us had to do is ask; instant sex from a fifty year old woman. (Or speedo-clad man.)

�

---Danny